Sometimes I wish I could just stand there, waiting for the tide to get as high as possible and have the waves sweep every single memory away.
I just wish you could be gone, forever.
Knowing that will never happen sucks sometimes.
I have managed to leave you and your memory behind, for the most part. I don't spend every day of my life thinking about you anymore. I don't wish I were
with you anymore. I don't look at your picture and cry my eyes out anymore. I don't read my old journals and reminisce about every single old memory. I don't cry over you, wishing you were next to me. I don't wish you loved me back anymore. I don't pray to God you realize you love me and I'm the one you want to be with. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't dream about you as much and I try not to listen to depressing music that makes me think of you.
I have forced myself not to ask my friends about you. I have told myself over and over that I don't love you anymore and that you were nothing but a huge mistake in my life.
I have told myself that you never loved me more times than I can count. I have written hate letters that you will never read. I have thrown away pictures and things that reminded me of you. I go out more and I don't stay at home watching sappy movies. I try to stay busy all the time, so I don't have enough time to think about you or get sad about stupid things. I have worked so hard trying to forget you and all the pain you caused me. I have tortured myself with pictures of you and her. I have forbidden myself to forget all the tears I cried and how much you hurt me. I have convinced myself you love her and you never cared about me.
I have managed to take control of my life again and to move on, without you. I have managed to live without you.
I think I've done a good job putting you and everything you represent aside, but saying I have left you behind for good would be a lie.
There's always something that brings me back to you, for some reason. A part of me that goes back to you, I don't know why.
There's always something or someone that reminds me of you, and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, I just can't.
I think there's still a part of me that needs closure.
There's a part of me that wants to know why your engagement is off.
There's a tiny part of me that wishes it was you who called it off because you realized you don't love her. There's a tiny part of me that wonders whether you think about me at all. A tiny part that wonders if you ever have second thoughts about her being the one for you. A tiny part that wonders if you ever wish I were her. That you hadn't let me go. A tiny part that wonders if you ever loved me... or if you still do.
But then I come to my senses. There's no point in wondering all this. The fact is that I'm here and you're there. We're worlds apart.
And I'm finally at peace with that.
I've come to realize that it will never be, and I've accepted the fact that no matter how hard I fight it, you will always be a part of me.
All the good memories, all the good times, the laughter, the love, the crazy things we did, all the things that made me the happiest person alive will remain with me, no matter what. But so will the bad ones. All the times you made me cry, all the times you broke my heart, all the lies, the excuses, the pain... All of that, will remain with me as well.
But I think I've reached a point in my life where I am able to choose which memories I want to take with me from now on. I've reached a point where I can finally see which of all those memories hurt me and I'm better off without.
This is my breaking point. The truth is you will never be gone. You will never be a footprint in the sand. The tide won't ever be high enough to take you away.
You will always be there, no matter what I do, or where I go.
You will always be a part of my past... probably the most important part of it.
But there's no reason I should let you be a part of my present anymore. And I refuse to let you be a part of my future.
I learned a lot from you. I learned what love was like. I learned what it felt to be crazy about someone. I learned what it felt like to long for someone's touch and to give it all and expect nothing in return.
But the most important lesson I learned from you was that you can't force love. You can't make someone love you. You can't control somebody else's feelings. You can't make someone care.
I've spent years hearing people say "move on" and I used to believe moving on meant forgetting everything or leaving everything behind and pretending it never happened so you could move on with your life. I used to believe it was like pressing the delete button. I used to think I would reach that point one day in my life. I used to pray I did.
But now I've realized there is no such thing as deleting the past. You just can't do that.
But I think I do understand what moving on means.
I think I've learned to deal with the fact that you will always be a memory, both, good and bad. I've learned to live with that memory. I've learned to put it aside, since I can't really leave it behind. I've learned that heartache happens for a reason: to make you stronger. It is true, after all: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger -as cliche as it is.
I've learned to keep going. I've learned not to cry. I've learned to be strong. I've learned to hear your name and not fall part.
I've learned to live with the fact that you did me wrong. That you broke my heart. That you broke me.
But the most important thing I've learned is to live. I've learned to live my life without you. I've learned you're not as important as me. I've learned to love me. I've learned to love my life and everyone in it. I've learned to enjoy every moment. I've learned to smile again. I've learned that there's more to life than you.
I've learned to live with my past and to not let it affect my present. I've learned to put you aside. I've learned not to let you control my life anymore. I've learned that sometimes what you think you really want in life, you're just better off without.
I've learned to move on. Finally. Who would've thought...
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