My letter to you...

Dear You:

About 5 years ago I started writing letters to you and about you. I remember writing about how exciting everything was and how I had never known one could be that happy...

Today things are a little bit different. The letter has the same recipient but its content is a whole different story.

I know you are never going to read this, but I also know I'm never going to see you again, and I need to get this off my chest before it crushes it...

I need you to know you were my first true love... I never knew one could love that much until I loved you... I gave you everything I had. I gave you my love, my time, my heart, my body, my soul... I gave you my entire life... And I got nothing back.

I was willing to put up with everything. I had to jump through hoops just to get to see you for 10 minutes. I was willing to risk everything, even my job, and face everyone: my friends, your friends, my co-workers, your co-workers, your boss, your family, and most important: my parents. I was willing to give up everything I had just to be with you... I would've left everything for you. I would've walked away from everything and everyone if you had been waiting for me at the other end...

I went through a lot of things most girls would never even dare go through... It took me months so you could actually see I wasn't trying to get you into trouble and I was not going to tell on you and throw you under the bus just to get you fired. It took months for you to realize I meant everything I said. It took a very long time for you to say "I love you" back, maybe a little too long...

I used to write about happiness. I used to write about love and how amazing my life was because of you... I used to write about not understanding why God was rewarding me like that, because I hadn't done anything to deserve that much... I used to write about how I was so happy I could almost feel my heart popping out of my chest....

I used to write about LOVE. I used to believe in love. I used to believe in you...

I knew all along you were no good for me, but I refused to admit it.

I always knew if you had cheated on her with me, you would eventually cheat on me with someone else too... I knew I shouldn't and I couldn't trust you. I knew you didn't care about me. I just wish you had said so, instead of lying to me and making me believe you did...

I knew everything was a lie. I knew that stupid "I can't leave her" excuse was nothing but that: an excuse, because you were a coward. I knew you weren't happy with her, but I knew you didn't want to be happy with me either. I knew you were not willing to leave your comfort zone. I knew you were not willing to risk anything you had... or at least not for me.

I knew it all along. I just can't believe I refused to see the whole picture back then...

It's too late now.

I can't see you. I can't tell you all this to your face. I can't look at you in the eye and tell you I hate you.

I can't tell you I hate how much you lied and how you broke my heart. I can't tell you I can't trust men because of you. I can't tell you I don't want to fall in love ever again because of you. I can't tell you to your face how much you hurt me and how it's taken me 3 years to try to heal the wounds... I can't tell you I'm glad you finally made up your mind and left her, because I don't care anymore and the truth is it doesn't make a difference now. She probably deserved better than you, anyway. I can't tell you I hope you're happy with your new girlfriend, because I don't care about that either. I can't tell you I hate you for being with her instead of me. I can't tell you I hate you because I just don't care enough to do so.

You broke every piece of trust and faith I had in me. You broke my self-esteem and my confidence. You broke my heart and threw away the broken pieces... You broke my spirit. You broke me... and you lost me.

You could've had everything you wanted and more and you turned it down.

Now this is all I've got: a letter.

A letter that you will never read, but that will set me free forever.

Today when I saw that picture of you and her, I didn't even know what to say. I didn't know how to react. I went on her page trying to see if I found anything, and I did, and it hit me like a ton of bricks...

I had been going over in my head what I would do if I ever saw you again... I had been thinking for months what I would say, how I would walk, if I would ignore you, if I would walk away, if I would smile at you, or if I would act like nothing had happened and start a conversation...

But looking at the picture answered that question for me.

I don't care enough to start a conversation, or to smile at you even. I always thought looking at a picture of you and her would kill me...

But there was nothing left to kill; you had already killed me once... So I felt nothing.

I felt nothing but anger, frustration and disappointment.

But all those feelings helped me realize something even bigger and better: I have no feelings left for you now... And I'm glad all it took was a picture for me to realize it. I'm glad I didn't have to wait any longer to see you again so I could...

This letter is my way of saying goodbye to you. This is my way of leaving everything behind, everything we did, everything we said, everything we shared... This is my way of burying everything and never digging it back up.

This is me, telling you I wish I could hate you for all the pain you've caused me. This is me, telling you I can't hate you, no matter how hard and how many times I try. This is me, telling you you've damaged me and you've ruined love for me.

This is me telling you I can't regret what we had, but I'm glad it's over.

I can't say you're the reason I hate men, but you can take most of the credit.

It took everything I had to love you and adore you the way I did, and it's taken everything I had left to try to forget you...

I don't think I will ever forget who you were in the past, but I will always remember what you are today: a bittersweet memory...

This is my final goodbye. This is my goodbye to you and everything you represent.

It was good while it lasted... But just like an old saying says "a minute of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of pain"...

Goodbye forever, and I hope our paths never cross again.

Sincerely,

Me.

Out of the hole, back in control...

♫ "Tonight the Super Trouper lights are gonna find me

Shinin' like the sun

Smilin', havin' fun

Feeling like a number one" ♫

Today someone said to me: "Mafer, you're a trouper!" I have to admit I blushed as she said it --not sure if it was because who said it was someone I look up to, or simply because I didn't believe her. Either way, as I was sitting in front of her listening to her and nodding, she looked at me and said it again "I hope you know that. I hope you know you truly are a trouper. You've been through a lot, and you're gonna be ok."

All my life I've wanted to convince myself that I'm a strong person. All my life I've told myself over and over that nothing and no one can bring me down. I haven't always been successful at believing so, but I've managed to get out of the hole and keep walking...

As I left the office where I was having this conversation, it hit me...

I have as a matter of fact been through a lot. Today someone in class told me I must have been a real bitch in my past life, since karma is slapping me in the face nonstop...

There's no way I can know that. I could believe them and think I was some sort of evil witch who killed a lot of people in the past and now it's my time to pay for it.

OR... I could believe I'm going through all this crap, because something REALLY good is in store for me. I think I like option B better.

Sometimes when I think about the stuff I've gone through, I can't help but laugh. Some of those things I swear back when they were happening I thought were going to kill me... I thought there was no way I could possibly survive it and find a way to smile again. Thank God I was wrong.

Now, looking back I laugh and think of it as a minor thing...

Unfortunately, not everything that has happened I can laugh at. Not yet, anyway. Hopefully one day I will be able to.

But for now... Even though I can't laugh, there is something I CAN do: be thankful.

There are some things that have pissed me off, some that have disappointed me, some others that have broken my heart, and then there are some that have tried to break my whole body and soul. But isn't that what life is supposed to be? Falling down and getting back up?

Today, probably more than ever, I truly believe that.

I've moved away, I've been away from my family and friends, I've been out of my comfort zone, I've worked myself to death, I've been in danger, I've been mugged, I've been threatened with a gun, I've been in car accidents, I've been close to being run over, I've been 'detained', I've had my Miranda Rights read to me, I've had my heart broken in more pieces that I can count, I've been cheated on, I've had to let go, I've been forced to move on... butI'm still here.

Every single thing that has broken me at one point, has turned into the glue that stuck together the pieces that have broken at some other point. And today I can say I am stronger than I was yesterday, and less than I will be tomorrow.

I don't know if that really makes me a trouper, but I'd like to think so.

No matter how many things get thrown my way, I'm here to face them.

Karma is a bitch, I agree, but it has nothing on me!

And when life throws one more punch at me and tries to knock me down... I'll stand right back up and say "Is that all you've got?"

You're not defeated because you fall down; you're defeated because you refuse to get back up.

Sincerely,

a trouper :)