In desperate need of a glue gun...

I was in class today and we were talking about love... Why do people fall in love, how do you realize you are in love and that person is "the one", how do you show what you feel, why do people get married, have u ever had your heart broken?... etc.

When my teacher asked me these questions, I couldn't come up with an answer.

Why do people fall in love?

Why is there such need to desperately fall head over heels for someone, risking being loved in return or not?

...Some people say falling in love is a decision... At this point in my life, I think I can say I agree with that statement.

I have liked a few guys in my life... I've had a few crushes too, but I think I can say I have only been in love once... And that one time was enough for me to never want to be in the same place ever again.

How did I realize I was in love with him?
I don't think there's a simple answer to that question...

I guess maybe one of the signs was the fact that listening to his voice drew the biggest smile on my face. Maybe it could also be when I realized I didn't feel a few butterflies in my stomach, but a whole zoo, everytime he talked to me. It could also be the fact that I felt the whole entire world disappear when he smiled at me.

Yes, it sounds cheesy and extremely corny, I know. I read it myself and I almost want to puke.

But as cheesy as it sounds now, it all made sense back then.

Back then, when he was around, I didn't think it was cheesy to smile like an idiot when he walked by me. I obviously didn't think I looked retarded when I daydreamed about us living happily ever after only because he touched me...

Now that I look back I almost wish I could go back on time and slap myself.

This whole love thing is too confusing.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being that little girl who actually believed in stupid fairytales, who thought prince charming was actually a real man, somewhere out there waiting to meet me and make me happy, and all that BS.

But then again, if I went back, that means I wouldn't have had to go through what I did. I would've never had to have a broken heart and I would've never felt my life crumbling.

Yeah, sounds nice, but in the end, it only means I would've never had to meet him.

It means I would've never felt that rush going down my body whenever he was around. It would mean not knowing what a true kiss is. It would mean not knowing what giving your life and soul to one person means... It would certainly mean not knowing what happiness feels like.

Yes, I know I would've saved a few tears, of course, along with sleepless and almost suicidal nights... But how can you know how shitty something is if you haven't felt ultimate glory?

I keep telling my friends - and myself - that I don't ever want to fall in love again...

I gave someone everything a human being can possibly give... I gave that person my time, my patience, my freedom, my reasoning, my entire and absolute devotion... I gave him my heart, body and soul. I gave 'til I had nothing left.

I gave without ever asking for anything back... I reached a level I never thought I could possibly reach... I gave him my essence; I gave him my life.

I gave more than I could and a lot more than I should have...

And now, 51 months later, I'm sitting here, with absolutely nothing left for myself.

How sad does that sound?

It doesn't make any sense now... THAT is the exact reason I don't ever want to fall in love again...

I don't think I wanna feel that kind of pain, that misery, ever again in my life.

I don't believe in marriage anymore. I don't believe in stupid happy endings... I don't believe in ever afters, and I certainly don't believe in "happily" ever afters...

I don't believe in loyalty and faithfulness. I just don't believe in love anymore...

It may sound sad, or maybe even stupid. But one's gotta do what one's gotta do.

I hate everything related to being stupidly in love with someone... I hate forgetting and losing who I am and becoming someone I'm not. I don't like being cheesy. I hate being corny.

I hate crying over someone who won't ever shed a tear for me.

And yet, the irony here is that not even 2 seconds after I've thought about all these horrible things, I think of your voice.

I can close my eyes and I swear I can hear your voice and feel your touch. I can almost feel you next to me, holding me close, whispering something in my ear...

I can almost hear you say you love me and you don't ever want to let go...

And just like that, all of a sudden, all those hateful thoughts simply vanish...

They disappear and I become, once again, the stupid little girl who believed in fairytales.

I become the stupid little girl who's willing to put all that aside as long as you came along and asked me to be with you.

Why did I fall in love with you?

Because you were the shoe to my barefoot foot. Because you were my perfect complement.

How did I know I was in love?

When I realized I would give my entire life just to make you happy...

How did I show those feelings?
I moved back home so you could be happy with the life you had chosen...

Why do people get married? or, do I believe in marriage?
I believe in it if it means you getting down on one knee and asking me to spend the rest of your life with you...

Have I ever had my heart broken?

Never as bad as this time...

Is it worth it?

It's impossible to tell... We're all different...

We're never going to agree on what is right or wrong, or just how much is enough...

I've cried more tears in these past 4 years than I have in my entire life... I've had the worst 2 years of my existence away from you... I've had the worst time ever... I have lost sleep, I have gotten sick, I have gotten sidetracked and lost my path... And yet, I'd be willing to do it all over again, just for you.

I don't quite know if this makes me the most stubborn person on earth, or simply the dumbest girl alive...

Maybe it's just both.

All I know is I don't ever want to go through this again...

They say "no pain, no gain" but I sure as hell don't want this much pain if I'm not gaining what I want...

I'm confused... I don't know if I believe in love anymore... Maybe I'm just a chronical sadistic person who loves suffering... Or maybe there are still some remainings of that innocent girl who believed in prince charming...

All I know is love is the hardest thing on earth... You can't live with it, and God knows you can't possibly live without it...

For now, while my slow and screwed up brain decides whether it's good or bad... I think I need more than just a little bandaid to mend this broken heart...

I'm thinking I could use some hardcore silicone... Maybe even concrete. Anything strong, that will not break as quick with the first "Hello".

I need a stronger shield now...

I'm making my decision. I choose not to fall in love again... Not for now, anyway.